Thursday, January 15, 2009

Running "Gemsinger" through the cliche-o-meter

1. Does nothing happen in the first fifty pages? (plot related, no; random event, yes)

2. Is your main character a young farmhand with mysterious parentage? (no, her parents are alive, and they have a profession other than farmer--exactly what, I don't know yet)

3. Is your main character the heir to the throne but doesn’t know it? (no, her family line has no royal connections)

4. Is your story about a young character who comes of age, gains great power, and defeats the supreme badguy? (yes, yes, and yes)

5. Is your story about a quest for a magical artifact that will save the world? (more like artifacts, but yes)

6. How about one that will destroy it? (no, the Twelve Stones hold the world together)

7. Does your story revolve around an ancient prophecy about “The One” who will save the world and everybody and all the forces of good? (yes)

8. Does your novel contain a character whose sole purpose is to show up at random plot points and dispense information? (Galia is sort of this kind of character, but she is a permanant part of the party--and does more than play tour guide)

9. Does your novel contain a character that is really a god in disguise? (no)

10. Is the evil supreme badguy secretly the father of your main character? (No way!)

11. Is the king of your world a kindly king duped by an evil magician? (no)

12. Does “a forgetful wizard” describe any of the characters in your novel? (no)

13. How about “a powerful but slow and kind-hearted warrior”? (no)

14. How about “a wise, mystical sage who refuses to give away plot details for his own personal, mysterious reasons”? (no)

15. Do the female characters in your novel spend a lot of time worrying about how they look, especially when the male main character is around? (no, Miresa and Galia have better things to worry about)

16. Do any of your female characters exist solely to be captured and rescued? (no)

17. Do any of your female characters exist solely to embody feminist ideals? (no)

18. Would “a clumsy cooking wench more comfortable with a frying pan than a sword” aptly describe any of your female characters? (no)

19. Would “a fearless warrioress more comfortable with a sword than a frying pan” aptly describe any of your female characters? (no)

20. Is any character in your novel best described as “a dour dwarf”? (no)

21. How about “a half-elf torn between his human and elven heritage”? (no)

22. Did you make the elves and the dwarves great friends, just to be different? (not quite, the dwarfs are leery around elves, but trust the elf if they know the elf means no harm)

23. Does everybody under four feet tall exist solely for comic relief? (no, Arune is more intelligent than that, but she has her comic moments)

24. Do you think that the only two uses for ships are fishing and piracy? (no, they're used for traveling too)

25. Do you not know when the hay baler was invented? (Yes, I know, but it existing in Sekiya wouldn't make sense)

26. Did you draw a map for your novel which includes places named things like “The Blasted Lands” or “The Forest of Fear” or “The Desert of Desolation” or absolutely anything “of Doom”? (I have a rough map, but nothing named that)

27. Does your novel contain a prologue that is impossible to understand until you’ve read the entire book, if even then? (it has a prologue, but it is easily understood)

28. Is this the first book in a planned trilogy? (no)

29. How about a quintet or a decalogue? (try a dodecalogue)

30. Is your novel thicker than a New York City phone book? (It might be a doorstopper, it might not, but likely yes)

31. Did absolutely nothing happen in the previous book you wrote, yet you figure you’re still many sequels away from finishing your “story”? (oh, plenty of things will be happening...)

32. Are you writing prequels to your as-yet-unfinished series of books? (I still need to start mine!)

33. Is your name Robert Jordan and you lied like a dog to get this far? (NO!)

34. Is your novel based on the adventures of your role-playing group? (no)

35. Does your novel contain characters transported from the real world to a fantasy realm? (no)

36. Do any of your main characters have apostrophes or dashes in their names? (no)

37. Do any of your main characters have names longer than three syllables? (no)

38. Do you see nothing wrong with having two characters from the same small isolated village being named “Tim Umber” and “Belthusalanthalus al’Grinsok”? (I see a problem there)

39. Does your novel contain orcs, elves, dwarves, or halflings? (yes, yes, yes, and no)

40. How about “orken” or “dwerrows”? (no and no)

41. Do you have a race prefixed by “half-”? (no)

42. At any point in your novel, do the main characters take a shortcut through ancient dwarven mines? (yes, just not in this book)

43. Do you write your battle scenes by playing them out in your favorite RPG? (no, I save that for other things)

44. Have you done up game statistics for all of your main characters in your favorite RPG? (no)

45. Are you writing a work-for-hire for Wizards of the Coast? (no, I'm doing this for fun right now)

46. Do inns in your book exist solely so your main characters can have brawls? (no, they're more civilized than that)

47. Do you think you know how feudalism worked but really don’t? (I know how it works, thanks)

48. Do your characters spend an inordinate amount of time journeying from place to place? (yes, but things happen while they travel)

49. Could one of your main characters tell the other characters something that would really help them in their quest but refuses to do so just so it won’t break the plot? (no)

50. Do any of the magic users in your novel cast spells easily identifiable as “fireball” or “lightning bolt”? (not that blatent, but yes)

51. Do you ever use the term “mana” in your novel? (no)

52. Do you ever use the term “plate mail” in your novel? (no)

53. Heaven help you, do you ever use the term “hit points” in your novel? (no, that only works for a game!)

54. Do you not realize how much gold actually weighs? (that's what Wikipedia is for)

55. Do you think horses can gallop all day long without rest? (no, but my characters will be walking)

56. Does anybody in your novel fight for two hours straight in full plate armor, then ride a horse for four hours, then delicately make love to a willing barmaid all in the same day? (things will happen, but not that quickly)

57. Does your main character have a magic axe, hammer, spear, or other weapon that returns to him when he throws it? (not Miresa, but someone else might)

58. Does anybody in your novel ever stab anybody with a scimitar? (no)

59. Does anybody in your novel stab anybody straight through plate armor? (no)

60. Do you think swords weigh ten pounds or more? (no, but they're not light either)

61. Does your hero fall in love with an unattainable woman, whom he later attains? (no)

62. Does a large portion of the humor in your novel consist of puns? (no)

63. Is your hero able to withstand multiple blows from the fantasy equivalent of a ten pound sledge but is still threatened by a small woman with a dagger? (no)

64. Do you really think it frequently takes more than one arrow in the chest to kill a man? (no)

65. Do you not realize it takes hours to make a good stew, making it a poor choice for an “on the road” meal? (depends on the recipe)

66. Do you have nomadic barbarians living on the tundra and consuming barrels and barrels of mead? (no)

67. Do you think that “mead” is just a fancy name for “beer”? (they may both be alcoholic beverages, but they're not the same thing!)

68. Does your story involve a number of different races, each of which has exactly one country, one ruler, and one religion? (yes and no)

69. Is the best organized and most numerous group of people in your world the thieves’ guild? (no)

70. Does your main villain punish insignificant mistakes with death? (no, he's actually pretty merciful for a demon lord)

71. Is your story about a crack team of warriors that take along a bard who is useless in a fight, though he plays a mean lute? (no, but my heroes will run into a bard or two on the way)

72. Is “common” the official language of your world? (no)

73. Is the countryside in your novel littered with tombs and gravesites filled with ancient magical loot that nobody thought to steal centuries before? (no, all the cool stuff is in dungeons, ruins, and shrines)

74. Is your book basically a rip-off of The Lord of the Rings? (no)

Final score: 10/74

Adventurers